I’m thinking about all those times
I did something maybe I shouldn’t have
But didn’t realize it until later

I’m wondering what it means to run through life with these
Blinders
Goals are sliding further and further away like avalanches
And I’m sitting here on top of my mountain
Freezing

I just can’t figure out
How to take these damn things off
They’re like an infinite
Onion
With me in the middle
I peel away a layer, and then,

(Just when I think my sight is clear)

Kapow! Some new bombshell explodes in my face
And someone asks quite reasonably:

“Are you joking? You mean you didn’t you see that thing coming?”

I can’t fathom a life
Not obsessed by
Progress?

My best moments are the ones when I have out-competed
Everyone I can
They are usually followed by loneliness

I can’t collar
My inner hamster
Running me round this wheel
For no
Apparent
Reason

But I am neither a volcano nor a wilting herb
There is no anger welling up inside, and
I am not going to lie down and die
(Yet)

I just don’t know the answers
I don’t understand
I don’t even know the questions
I never will, I suppose
I want to scream but that won't
Help?

“Maybe you should stop thinking about this.”
My blinders whisper seductively
Another layer slides up the onion and snaps into position, and
My ego lock clicks, sealing it

My curse
Is to fathom just enough
To see the blurry outline of my self-awareness

Like a broken bit of seashell
On a vast beach at dusk
That elusive shadowy gray speck
Me
Shivering somewhere

An infinite horizon of black sand
Stretches away forever like a starless universe

And the waves crash
Endlessly